The Dichotomy of First

Sophie is one. My teeny tiny helpless newborn is now crawling, standing, learning words. She's starting to crave independence - pushing away my kisses, moving away from my arms, trying in her clumsy way to do things herself. I love all of it. I want to soak it all in, watch her every move, catch her every babble, and provide any opportunity she needs to move and learn and grow. But this passage of time reminds me that one day she won't be my only baby. No, I'm not pregnant yet, and it probably won't happen too soon, but one day she won't be my entire world. She won't have my all, my entire attention. One day she'll have to wait, while I help her brother. Wait, I'm listening to her sister's story right now. I know I should live in the moment, be grateful for every day that she is mine, and oh my word I am. But there is that tiny part of me, the future, that knows these moments of just us won't last forever. and that is where I am torn. I can't wait to see her hug her new sibling, hold hands. I can't wait to laugh with Steve the first time she tries to blames something on her sibling, or squabbles with them over toys. One day she'll have a partner in crime to play with, commiserate on how annoying the rules are, justify breaking them together. Part of me can't wait for this! I love having three siblings, having such a close bond with them. But right now, with just one, just Sophie, I get to give her my all. Wake up when she wants, snuggle when she wants, nap with her, dance with her. When she points, my attention is only on her, and when she cries, my arms are only hers. None of my future children will get this attention, and once I have another child, Sophie won't get it anymore. It's the strangest feeling - one part of my heart wants this to never change, have Sophie be my all forever. But at the exact same time, I am filled with joy when I think of the children waiting to join our family. I so badly want another newborn in my arms, and I can't wait for Sophie to learn generosity, love, and companionship from little siblings who will hopefully turn into lifelong friends.