Near death experience!

Okay that might be a slight exaggeration. I'm getting a bit click-baity with these blog titles. Sorry.

But seriously. Near death experience! Sophie and I were driving to pick Steve up Thursday. I was driving our 4Runner and took a turn slightly too fast. It was a little sharper of a turn than I expected. It was rainy. 

And we hydroplaned. Of course, all of my knowledge and education, and all of the lectures dad gave me went straight out the window. I panicked! I immediately did the two things you're NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. I slammed on my brakes and yanked my wheel. Idiot. We swerved to the right, then swerved to the left and did a 270 turn, ending up in the other lane of traffic, pointing toward the sidewalk. Through miracle of miracles, there was a red light up ahead and zero traffic on the roads, which seriously was amazing since it was 4:30pm in the Highlands! 

I was freaking out like crazy! I drove the rest of the short way at about 5 mph and immediately burst into tears upon seeing Steve. I didn't quite explain what happened through the tears, so he was a little worried about the car. Have you ever had your husband ever so sensitively try and find out if your near accident was the car's fault or because you're a crap driver? Such a sweetheart! It takes quite a lot of skill to ask a slightly hysterical woman questions without accusing her of being a terrible driver! Luckily I was able to calm down and reassure him that all was good on the car. 

But everytime I think about it I am filled with gratitude. If there were cars behind us, we could have been hit. If there were cars driving in the other direction, we would have been hit. That's the scariest for me because they would have hit directly where Sophie's car seat is. Her door would have taken the impact. My heart freezes whenever I think of the what ifs of the situation. I am so grateful that we weren't hit. I'm so grateful that the traffic was stopped at the light. I'm so grateful that Sophie didn't even notice what happened, peacefully asleep in her car seat. I am so grateful. My prayers were extra long that night, pouring out gratitude! For everything that I have - my health, my husband, my beautiful daughter. My amazing parents and in-laws. My incredible family. Supportive friends. A comfortable home and an adorable dog.

As we were driving home, going 60 in the slow lane, and holding hands, I had to giggle a little bit on the missed opportunity. I'm perfectly healthy, perfectly fine, not even a slight bit of whiplash... Which means I have no excuse not to work out this weekend. Blast.

Reading to Sophie

One of my favorite parts of my day is reading to Sophie. She absolutely loves it! We read at least three books before bed, usually five. She loves turning the page, pointing out the stars or the caterpillar or the different animals. She loves lifting the flaps on Spot books and listening to the silly noises! It's such a joy! She curls into me, puts her little arm on mine, and settles in to enjoy whatever it is we read that night. So I thought I would make a list of her favorite books to share with you guys! Honestly this post is definitely for me - I want to remember her favorite things, and these books are definitely some of them! In no particular order, here they are:

1. Where's Spot?

2. Duck and Goose: Goose Needs a Hug

3. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

4. Teddy Bear Picnic

5. Little Blue Truck

6. The More We Get Together

7. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

8. Goodnight Boston

9. Who Says Quack?

10. The Itsy Bitsy Snowman

The great thing about these books though is that I like reading them! Thus far, we haven't had any differing opinions as to which books are good. She definitely knows which ones she wants to read, and will tell me if I'm reading the wrong one! Once she almost threw herself off the couch because I'd picked up the wrong book and she could see the one she wanted! Silly mummy. I'm hoping this love of reading continues - I can't wait for the day that we read Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone together!

I will be honest about one thing though - I haven't read her the book I Love You Forever yet. I'm worried I might cry!

Such exciting news!

Remember when I posted about the apartments I wanted? I'm soooooo excited! Last week we found out we got the apartment we want! We are officially approved and will be moving in on June 6th! I'm SO excited! It's the Issaquah Terrace apartments. They are so beautiful! I can't wait! This is our floor plan:

I am slightly worried about moving out though to be honest. I am really excited to have our own space and get to use all of our stuff again. However, I will definitely miss having mum and dad around to help with Sophie! Sometimes I think she gets sick of me and would rather be with them instead! She loves them so much! It will be an adjustment for sure, but it's only 20 minutes down the road! 

How to clap: a photo guide by Sophie

Step one: make sure your adoring audience is paying attention to you

Step two: raise your hands as far as you can

Step three: put your hands together

Step four: pull them apart

Step five: put them together again

Step six: pull them apart

Step seven: laugh at how awesome you are

Step eight: make sure your adoring audience is still watching

Step nine: smile!

And there you go! Good job! You did it!

Becoming a mother

Basically the cutest baby. Let's just agree on that right now.

One of the businesses I follow on Instagram was asking their followers when they felt they truly became a mother. The answers were so beautiful, and were such a range! It was so cool reading all the different perspectives - women who adopted, or gave children up for adoption and then had more later on, or women who did IVF and saw their embryos, women who didn't know they were pregnant and women who tried for decades to get pregnant! Becoming a mother is such a personal journey and it's such a beautiful one too!

Dad teaching her to suck on her fingers. Look at her holding his hand!

I was thinking about the moment that I felt I was a mother, and it's so hard to pinpoint that. When I had a positive pregnancy test in our little house in Salt Lake, I don't think I really felt it at that point. Steve was so calm and chill and told me it was probably a false positive and I should go get my blood drawn and tested. I had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism which can cause some problems with getting pregnant, and although I had started medicine, we thought we'd be waiting for a while longer still! So it didn't feel real. The next day I went in to get my blood drawn. I was going from work to the doctor, and then heading to a Planning Committee meeting about the new Homeless Youth Resource Center's shelter component we were hoping to build. It was actually when I was sitting in that meeting that I received an email from my doctor letting me know I was pregnant! I didn't expect to find out so soon! But that was the first hint of a moment for me. That first realization that, holy crap, this is it, here we go! Then those thoughts of, okay hold on, maybe it won't stick, start to creep in. Don't get your hopes up, this isn't a done deal.

She's just so dang cute. That hand!

We had a doctor appointment that Friday at 7am. Obviously it was early days so I didn't want to raise any alarms at work, and didn't want to take time off. We had our first ultra sound, and the baby looked like a little race car. So funny! We were six weeks along. I was dying to tell people! Sitting looking at the screen holding Steves hand was one of the most spiritual moments I'd had leading up to that point. This was a tiny being, a little baby, not even a fetus yet, still technically an embryo! I was already so in love, and felt such a strong need to protect my little embryo as much as possible!

Having hot chocolate together!

Feeling Sophie kick for the first time was another defining moment. Ultrasounds, while cool, are so clinical and detached. It's hard to connect that the black and white blob is a human. But feeling her move was amazing! The love I felt at each kick was incalculable, and it grew and grew as she did, even as her kicks started hurting. I was proud of her for being strong, for growing so big!

That smile! So sweet!

And of course her birth. Holding her in my arms, feeling her wiggle around, hearing her soft cries. She was such a quiet baby!

SO excited for mummy and baby yoga!

The strange thing though is although I felt such a crazy huge love for her, even though I was head over heels, didn't want to be apart from her, didn't want to put her down, I still didn't quite feel like a mother. I knew I was one, but she was an easy baby. She cried, I fed her. I rocked her, she slept. Those first few weeks were such a breeze, especially having Steve home, then my mum home, and then my mother in law visit and help me. It was all idyllic and perfect and beautiful. 

Got a cold but she's still smiling!

But when I truly felt there, when I truly felt like Sophie's mother, was the first time I struggled. I had put her to bed, and she was usually the perfect baby, only waking to eat. This night though, she was waking 20 minutes after I put her down, crying, and then going back to sleep only to start over. I couldn't figure out what was going on! I was getting so stressed, so upset, feeling so useless. Then it dawned on me - it was a particularly cold night, but I hadn't given Sophie any extra layers! What if she was cold? I put her in her warmest set of pjs, swaddled her in a thicker blanket, and put her back to sleep. And she stayed asleep! I was so proud of myself I woke Steve up to tell him! She slept for a lot longer that stretch, and I let her. We both deserved the extra sleep! That was the moment though, that I really felt like I had become a mother. I had finally earned the title.

Learning to use the nun-chucks her uncles bought her!

Motherhood is definitely something you earn. Whether you have children or you adopt, you have to learn. You are sent home with a fragile little bundle (or more if you're lucky!) and you have to just get to it! Make it happen! I now know Sophie's cries. When she's just being a butt and she's faking, when she needs something like a diaper change, or when she just needs some love and snuggles. Those last cries are my favorite, and I'm the one she's crying to. She knows I will be there to soothe her. To snuggle and hold her. I am her mother, her mama, her mum. I am so grateful for that! I can't wait to continue to earn my title of mother to this sweet, perfect girl.

Worn. Out.